This was an article I wrote last year. The only other time of year people contemplate their relationship status (or lack there of one) other than spring time is today, on Valentine's Day. I feel the words are still true and that one's relationship status should not dictate one's happiness. If my article cheers up at least one single person then I have done my job. Though even though today is not a "real" holiday *cough* Hallmark *cough* I like the idea of Valentine's Day. For the single people, feel free to draw happiness from the thought of the crummy ex boy/girlfriends you've had in the past and be happy that today you ARE single and not with them anymore :-) For the people in relationships, yes you should be showing them you love them all the time so the idea of a "holiday" once a year to do that seems a little redundant if not trite. But for me, I like the idea. As we get older our lives get busier and busier. We don't always have the great quantity of free time that we did in college to just spend half the day every day with the person we love. Once kids enter the picture that quality time decreases even more. It seems the older we get the less quality time we have available to spend with the person we love. Even when we hit this period in our lives we should try as often as possible to show each other how we feel and spend time with them, but as we all know, that sounds great on paper but sometimes falls short in execution. This is why I like Valentine's Day. Hopefully a couple has made time for "dates" or times together when they are able during the hustle and bustle of daily life but whether they have been able to or not there is this one day a year they KNOW they'll be able to get a baby sitter or push aside what might need to be done that night, and just spend it with the one they love. Focusing on each other and how they feel and ignoring the stress and outside distractions of our day to day life. This is why I appreciate Valentines Day.
PS- For the grammar sensitive people, I apologize. I am sure there are some English "WTF"'s in this. I wrote this originally to share with others who were going through these kind of struggles and wanted to express my thoughts on it. At the time I first posted this last year I received many positive replies about how it helped them wtith what they were going through in life at the time. So if you have comments about it, please refrain from grammar/spelling related ones, as it was my intention to share these ideas in the hopes of sharing my own experiences and also giving others hope in their own dating lives around times of the year when they may judge themselves overly harsh for being single.
Kevin
[Reposted by the author]
Dating, relationships, and the attack of spring fever
By Kevin Blanchard
April 09, 2006 These seem to be the hot topics recently. So many of my friends (in Texas and the DC area) seem to be buzzing about the above topics. So I thought I'd at least combine some of the thoughts of many of the posts (since many of you aren't friends with each other) then also add some of my own thoughts. Feel free to add any of your own comments or thoughts as these are more of a collage of ideas from others with some input from my own experience, not a "this is the only opinion so if you don't agree you're wrong". :) Plus all the cool kids were posting above said topics so I figured "wait, I want to be cool too" *smirk*
1. Being single is ok.
I think this is the most important one. There are many reasons a person might be single. I'll focus on the positive reasons. Maybe you haven't met the right person. Maybe you just aren't in a "dating mood", or maybe you just are still ironing out your life so if you met someone you'd want to date or be in a relationship with, you enter into the relationship without bringing baggage to the table (a wise choice). No matter why you are single, don't worry it's not a bad thing. If you've chosen this route, stay strong. Don't lower your standards because you wish you had someone to kiss or cuddle with or miss having a partner to go to movies, dinners, the theater,etc. with. If you wait until you find someone you truly are crazy over and not just someone who fits the bill for now, you will be much happier in the long run.
2. Spring Fever
All the animals know when spring is coming. That's when you'll see much of the coupling in animals. Us humans do the same thing. I told several of my friends back in the end of Jan or mid Feb (which here in Texas basically is the end of winter) that once you saw your first friends start dating, "watch out", because it only snow balls after that. Even since then (we're now in the second week of April) I already have seen many of my friends the victim of cupid. You know the winged guy in the diapers sniping people from above. Something is definitely in the water around Spring time. Good thing for me though I drink bottled water ;-) lol
3. "Am I ready to date ?"
As I touched on in the first section, many people might have a reason to be single. Some are very justified, others may not be and not even realize it. Only that person can truly come to terms with which category they fall into. I described the reasons why someone might be single but sometimes it's those reasons that also keep a person single longer then they may want to be.
* Coming out of a long term relationship or hectic schedule. *
I grouped these two together for a reason. You might not think they are related but the after effects are very similar. As someone who has gone through recovering from long term relationships and pretty much had a crazy schedule his whole life, I understand the dilemmas of dating when either is involved. How each is overcome has a unique sets of demands and a lot of factors come into play when it comes to how you "get over" a breakup or manage a crazy schedule. Since I am talking about dating, I will discuss how both tie into "getting back on that horse". After a bad breakup, or maybe even a good breakup, you are more then likely not in a mood to date. Maybe you are bitter, jaded, depressed, etc. after the previous relationship or maybe your life is so crazy that you hardly have a moment to breathe, more less even consider fitting someone else's schedule into your life, whether dating casually or in a serious relationship. Generally neither of these events are magically fixed overnight. Generally it is a long process of either recovery or organization and time management depending on which category the person may fall into.
How do you know when you are ready?
If you fall into either of those categories, you may meet a super person you'd love to date, or maybe 10 super people you'd love to date,lol. Chances are if you are still trying to recover from a broken heart or have a schedule that has your palm pilot asking for a nap, you are more then likely not going to want to date any of these super people. Usually you will know you like someone, but how ready you are is gauged by your willingness to jump back on the horse. Most of the time, only the person being courted can really tell if they have recovered enough. Generally your gut instinct is correct. If you know you like the person but the idea of dating anyone doesn't sit right, then it probably means you should trust your gut and wait until the idea doesn't scare the bee-gee-bees out of you,lol. More then likely one or more of those 1 (or 10) super people may move on if you aren't ready to date. Don't fret. It would have been far worse to start dating before you were ready and then have the relationship fail because one or both of you weren't ready for it. There's a reason contractors don't build houses on sand. Take their advice, don't do the same with relationships.
Can I always trust me gut?
No. I say it is a good rule of thumb but I am going to talk about what can happen when you stay in "I'm not ready to date" mode too long. It's a common pitfall many people encounter. Sometimes you have to second guess your gut. I know I am guilty of this myself. I sometimes would be so wrapped up in activities and side projects and always saying "I have no time to date", that I realized it had been like 1.5 years and I hadn't even asked a girl on a date, and really, it wasn't that I didn't have time for a date, it was that I wasn't either managing my time as well as I thought or I wasn't being realistic about how much time I have in a day. I knew it was either I had to cut back a few hobbies or be 85 and go "oh shoot, I haven't been on a date in 55 years, but who has the time?". I had gotten so used to "not being ready to date", that I never took the time to realize I had been ready for a long time. Sometimes we are just short on time. Other times we get so used to using it as an excuse, we don't realize it's not even true anymore. You end up shorting yourself of some possible happy memories.
You broken hearted people, I didn't forget about you. You guys can fall into those same pits. Getting over a long term relationship is never easy. It takes time. How long? It varies per person. When *SHOULDN'T* you trust you gut? For example, when it's 3 years later after a 6 month relationship and you still are "not ready to date". Sometimes it's so hard to get back on the dating horse that excuses become like a warm blanket in winter time. Sometimes it's comforting knowing that as long as you don't date, you can never be hurt again. There is nothing wrong with the single life, but you shouldn't neglect yourself of possible great memories with a would-be date because you are gun shy (this goes for the busy people too). Judge for yourself based off the nature of the breakup if your gut is giving you solid advice or if your gut is keeping you from dating someone who might enrich your life.
Which brings me into my next set of thoughts (gotta love segways) ;-)
4. *Kevin, now I'm dating, but is it someone I should even invest time in?*
This is not something I can address in a short blog (well I guess it's turning into more of an article now,lol). So it's not something I can really fully address in this "blogicle" Blogicle is copyrighted (c) 2006 Kevin Blanchard *it's ok, smile, it's a joke*. But I will touch on a good gauge that I use in my own life. The rule that I always tell people, involving any relationship someone might be in, whether it is a boyfriend / girlfriend relationship, dating, or even just friendships, I ask people "do they make you happy more times then they anger,upset,frustrate,etc you?". With most of your relationships with people, you can answer the question before I'd even be done asking it. The people closest to you in your life are either going to uplift you or drag you down. No one is ever going to uplift you 100% of the time. We all have bad days and no male or female is perfect. But the people closest to you in your life, and have the biggest influence on you should uplift you most of the time. Whether it be emotionally, financially, spiritually, etc. Do they add something to your life to make it better (the majority of the time)? The answer should be yes. If you find them brining you down, whether it be always calling you with drama, or getting you into trouble, or maybe just being a negative person and you realize it's rubbing off on you or if a person is causing you more grief or bringing you down in your life enough that it effects you every week, then it might be time to cut your losses. It's never easy to lose friends (even bad ones it seems) or breaking up with someone, but in the long run it makes your life so much happier. Ending a unhealthy friendship or romantic relationship is like quitting smoking. At first people are hesitant. They make up excuses for all the bad stuff on why it's really ok or how there are things much worse. Then they quit and it's really hard because it's been a part of their life for so long. But then a few months later, they realize "wow, look at all this extra money I have now a days", or "I made it up 4 flights of stairs and I am not winded!". You realize then how much better your life is that you shed something that wasn't helping your life.
I am sure for anyone who read this far you may fall into many categories. You might be married, in love, dating, or single. If you are reading this I am sure you relate to some part of it, whether it is current in your life or something you have gone though before.
What I can tell you is the best advice I can give to the single people in regards to dating is:
* If you are truly not ready to get into a relationship, don't go into one. There is a quote I love. "Singleness is like cake batter in a mixing bowl; the more you work out the lumps in yourself before putting it into the oven, the tastier it will be when it is ready." So very true! If you enter into a relationship before you are ready. Those "lumps" you were still working out will more then likely cause later drama, fighting or worse in the relationship.
*Nothing is wrong with being single. You must work out all the lumps in your own life before you can have a chance of joining into someone else's life.
* If you are ready, but keep telling yourself you aren't ready, have a nice chat with that gut. Sometimes you know; sometimes you are just gun shy. Don't keep yourself from meeting someone special or even from sharing some good times with a possible boy/girl because you are afraid to get back in the game. Excuses can be a comforting blanket, to protect yourself from being hurt again or to protect yourself from having to switch up your life a little to make room for a second person, but in the long run it can keep you from experiencing long term happiness. Either way, be honest with yourself. Yes, dating can be scary after a long break. But the joy you'll find when you meet someone incredible is far superior to any of the fears you may have about getting back into the dating game.
Who ever you are. Enjoy life for all it has to offer. Who knows who you'll met tomorrow? or maybe someone you met already and will get a chance to know better. Either way. You'll never know until you take that first step! |
![[info]](http://p-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small}
kevinblanchard's journal
![[info]](http://p-stat.livejournal.com/img/syndicated.gif){kind=small}
